a notice from me

before you read anything, please understand i'm not expecting something out of this.

when everything initially happened, i never said what i truly thought.

i wanted to get these thoughts out, and i wanted you to hear them.

whether you actually read this or not, i'll probably never know, but just knowing there is the 50/50 of you reading this or not is enough for me.

disclaimers

i organized this for my own thoughts. i know this is a lot, but i hope you take the time to read it a lot.

everything i say is true and comes from my heart.

tone is difficult to tell in text i know, but please read this in a gentle and honest tone, because that's how it was written.

(also written utilizing radiohead)

even if you hate me, i'd appreciate it if you took the time to read my thoughts.

beginning

to be honest luna, yes i still think about you. but no, i don't regret anything with you.

would i have changed some things? of course. but i don't regret meeting you and learning you.

well.... the whole i don't regret anything with you is kind of misleading because i regret some of my actions, but is that separate from "with you"?

i don't know. uhh, for now let's just say its separate... haha? okay. sorry.

i remember you once told me that out of everyone you spoke to previously, i was the one closest to a man.

i think the actions i took during the end course of everything went against that statement.

although i'm not doing this because i want to be a man in your eyes, maybe it'll help my case :p.

i know saying sorry doesn't mean anything to you, but i want you to know i really am sorry.

i don't hate you. i didn't stop liking you. don't think any of that.

these recent months of my life have been incredibly stressful and some stuff has happened and to be honest i haven't been in the right mental space at all.

i'd like to preface this by saying this isn't an excuse, but rather an explanation.

no, i'm not asking for forgiveness. i just don't want you to think it was you, because i know that's how you were thinking.

i'm sorry luna, but no matter what i just can't seem to communicate when i'm not doing the best.

it makes me feel weak and lower than others. i love emotions but it seems like i struggle speaking about my own, and this has allowed me to realize that and hold myself accountable.

i really appreciate you for continuing to try, and continuously putting in effort even when i was being so distant.

but, i really didn't deserve that. i want you to know that i've noticed everything you've done for me, even if i haven't spoken about it.

nothing was in vain

luna nothing was in vain. nothing was wasted, atleast in my eyes.

i can understand why you think it is and said it was. but in my eyes, it wasn't.

i loved every second of it. i loved learning about you, surface level and deep.

i loved when you were honest with me. learning about another human, how they think, how they feel, just in general on a deeper level will never be a waste in my eyes.

i'm glad for the time we spoke that you felt comfortable enough to confide in me about your problems or annoyances.

if you ever thought it was a bother, let me shoot that down now and say it wasn't.

and i would still do it.

who you are

i think out of everything i have to say, the most important thing, and the one i need to start with incase you don't read all of this, is please never stop being yourself.

please never stop loving what you love. your ocean facts aren't stupid.

your big ass book of freaking cool little ocean stuff isn't stupid either. it's awesome. loving something is awesome.

having passion for something like the ocean, and being passionate at the level you are, is one of the best things ever.

it's one of the main reasons if not the main reason i was drawn to you.

it adds so much character and liveliness to you and not only that, it's AWESOME!

so, no matter what, please never stop with the ocean.

you're onto something great, and you'll do great things with your knowledge. keep sharing it!

i promise you, someone will want to listen.

thanks to you, i know more about the ocean than i probably would have ever known.

my wallpapers on my computer are the ocean now, which is probably a horrible idea but i like it anyways.

i never told you this, but the ocean facts you shared with me i shared with others. don't worry!!

i didn't take credit!! i also thank you for introducing me to a shark that lessened my fears of them, the bigeye thresher sharks!

i also remember all the references you would make... god, i was never gonna be able to catch up to you.. tryhard.

another point i have to bring up is your voice. please, do not ever be ashamed of it.

i heard way too many times from you that people were speaking their opinions on your voice. frick them!

fuck whatever they think. i think your voice is awesome, and i know i showed that quite a bit.

do not be ashamed. your voice is comforting and gentle, and it sounds beautiful.

to be honest, i still remember the last fact you told me, about the abnormally large family of orcas in the arctic.

well, also about the orcas that could stun the stunners (stingrays).

i forgot which orcas those were though, and i no longer have our messages, so i'm going to actually do some research after this.

when you asked me that day if you could just block me, please know i wasn't as okay with it as i looked, but i realized in the moment that i just had to accept it, even though it sucked.

availability

so saying that, if you ever need someone outside of your circle to confide in, vent to, get another perspective or opinion on something, you can still think of me as an option.

please, if there is no one to go to, do not sit and wallow in it by yourself.

whether we speak or not, i will always be there for you if you need it.

even if that means you need to friend me, vent to me, then unfriend me once again.

please just remember you don't have to go through anything alone.

closing thoughts

it seems i've rambled a bit, but if you're reading this, i just want you to know a few things: keep being yourself.

be wary of others. be confident, and keep being joyful. never be ashamed of your voice. know that it's okay.

and most of all, know that you're doing good. you're doing great, luna.

if you ever decide that you want to confide in me or vent to me about something, although i'm probably somewhere in your blocked list, here's my discord (it's also okay if you never do):

and no, i won't question it.

i won't ask questions about you or your life and i won't try anything.

i know that it's over and i'm accepting of that.

if you read this, thank you for taking the time.

i don’t need a response. i just wanted you to have this.

i wish you the best, genuinely.

extra

i find myself reading this and coming back to write more each time.

i feel like i could go on forever, but i know you don't have forever to read.

but it feels so nice to get everything out. i guess i should start journaling.